Little Red Riding Hitokiri
by Katsu
Summary: I torment the cast of Rurouni Kenshin...


Little Red Riding Hitokiri

# Little Red Riding Hitokiri

***Cast***

**Katsu no Miko**--A psychotic girl, unfortunatly in possession of the all powerful Keyboard Of Doom (tm), who appears only as the Voice Of God after the intro, cast as nothing, because she is the all-powerful DIRECTOR. 

**Kenshin**--A helpless Rurouni, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast in the title role of 'Little Red Riding Hitokiri' 

**Sanosuke**--The master of Futae no Kiwami, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as Grandma. 

**Kaoru**--The master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as herself. 

**Yahiko**--A brat, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as the Kindly Woodsman. 

And, last and most important: 

**Saitou**--A complete badass and the epitome of coolness, NOT controlled by the Keyboard Of Doom(tm), since NO ONE controls Mibu no Ookami, but rather tempted into his role by a pot of home-made kake soba, and a genuine liking for his role, cast as the Big Bad Wolf. 

***Intro***

KNM: (_shuffles a set of contracts in front of her, cackling gleefully_) 

KENSHIN: Ano...Katsu no Miko-san...what did you just force us to sign? 

KNM: Oh...nothing much...just little contracts...that say that you agree to take part in my newest little fanfic. 

KENSHIN: Oro....... 

KAORU: What fanfic? 

KNM: (_cackles in a gleeful, bone chilling manner_) A little piece that I'm calling "Little Red Riding Hitokiri." 

KENSHIN: Ano...I'm not Hitokiri any more... 

KNM:  You're Hitokiri if I damnwell SAY you're Hitokiri, is that CLEAR?

KENSHIN: Hai! 

KNM: (_Smiles sweetly and passes out a set of scripts_) These are your roles. Please look over the scripts, we'll be starting in a few moments. 

(_The cast looks at their scripts...all faces, except notably for Saitou's, go pale. Saitou merely lights up another cigarette and looks cool._) 

YAHIKO: The Kindly Woodsman? What the hell kind of role is that! 

KNM: Shut up, Yahiko...be grateful...there were other roles I could have given you. 

SANOSUKE: NANI??? You have me cast as WHAT??? 

KNM: (_Smiles smugly_) Grandma. Can't you read? Don't worry, I have a perfectly lovely gingham dress for you to wear. 

SANOSUKE: No way! I'm leaving! (_Begins to walk off_) 

KNM: (_Eyes glow red, voice deepens to demonic proportions_) I don't think so (_She taps a few keys, and Sano freezes in his tracks_) Someone gave me a lot of dough to see you in a dress...and besides, if you have a problem, I'll HELP you get undressed. Now come back here. I plan on giving Chou his money's worth. (_She taps a few more keys, and Sanosuke walks stiltedly back to the group, halting before her_) 

SANOSUKE: Nani? 

SAITOU: Ahou. (_Takes a drag of his cigarette_) She's the author. You're too weak to mess with her. 

SANOSUKE: (_Glares at Saitou_) OH yeah??? If you're so great, why don't YOU leave??? 

SAITOU: (_Smiles_) I happen to like the role that I've been cast in. 

SANOSUKE: (_Growls_) 

KNM: Now, boys, boys...no one is going anywhere. You've all signed contracts with me... 

YAHIKO: You forced us to! 

KNM: Shut up (_Yahiko pales and falls silent_) Now...as I was saying before I was interrupted...you've all signed contracts. I own you. And you will cooperate. Or else.

KAORU: Kowai... 

KENSHIN: Oroooooo.... 

KNM: Ok, that's enough, people. Places. We need to get this fanfic moving. 

KENSHIN: Orooooooooooo........ 

***Action***

_Setting: a pleasant dojo, recognizeable to any Kenshin fans as the **Kamiya Dojo**. All is quiet and serene, until..._

KAORU: KENSHIN! 

KENSHIN: Oro! Nani, Kaoru-dono? 

KAORU: (_reading stiltedly from a script_)Kenshin, we're out of tofu. Go to...grandma's? Wait, I don't have a grandmother. 

KNM: (_Like the voice of god, or, more accurately, the voice of someone a bit uh...lower than god_)Just read the line, Kaoru

KAORU: (_Glances nervously up at the sky_) Go to...grandma's...and borrow some tofu. 

KENSHIN: Hai de gozaru yo. 

KAORU: (_Someone offstage hands her a red cloak. She passes it to Kenshin_) Take your red cloak and off with you to...grandma's...uh...dojo. 

KNM: Try not to adlib TOO much, ok? 

KENSHIN: Hai...Kaoru-dono. 

KNM: Kenshin...after you say your line, you exit. Now would be a good time. 

KENSHIN: Hai! (_hastily exits_) 

(_Scene change. In the forest. The Big Bad Wolf is leaning against a tree, smoking a cigarette. He flicks the butt away as Little Red Riding Hitokiri approaches_) 

SAITOU: (_Draws katana_) Himura Battousai...I've been waiting for you. You are weak. 

KENSHIN: (_Big eyes_) ORO? 

SAITOU: (_Goes into gotatsu stance_) I will kill you. 

Kenshin: I am no longer a Hitokiri.... 

KNM: Kenshin, read the script. 

KENSHIN: But the script is wrong, Miko-san! 

KNM: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?

KENSHIN: No! No de gozaru yo! 

KNM: Then read your line, the right way. 

KENSHIN: *ahem* No, Big Bad Wolf, it is I who will kill you. (_Looks uncomfortable_) It's time to...uh...finish...uh...what we started in Kyoto. (_Begins to draw his own katana_) 

KNM: Yahiko, you're missing your entrance. Get a wiggle on. 

YAHIKO: (_From off stage_) Miko-san...I can't see! 

KNM: Try turning the Daniel Boon hat around. 

YAHIKO: Oh. (_Walks in, stage right_)Kenshin! Dame! Kaoru says you have to get the tofu! You don't have time for this. 

KENSHIN: But I have to fight the...uh...Big Bad...uh...Wolf. 

YAHIKO: Dame. Kaoru needs it now. You know how that busu gets when you don't hurry. 

KAORU: (_Offstage_)Yahiko, I heard that.... 

KNM: Be nice to girls, Yahiko. (_A bolt of lightening suddenly strikes Yahiko. He falls to the ground with a muffled erk._) You'll learn that it's a good idea. 

KENSHIN: . . . 

KNM: Did I say you could stand around, Kenshin? MOVE IT!

KENSHIN: (_Hastily exits_) 

SAITOU: (_Lights up another cigarette, leans back against tree_) Ahou. 

KNM: See what I have to work with here, Saitou-san? 

SAITOU: Ee. 

(_scene change: Now in front of a new, homey dojo--Grandma's dojo. Grandma's rocking chair is empty...hey, wait a sec, that's not right._) 

KNM: Sano...you're missing you're entrance. 

SANOSUKE: There's no way in hell you're gonna make me wear a dress! 

KNM: Sano, this is your last warning. I don't have time for this. 

SANOSUKE: NO! 

KNM: Ok then, you leave me no choice. I'll do what I said I would. 

SANOSUKE: (_There is momentary silence...then Sano screams_) Don't! Don't! 

(_Sound of cloth tearing_) 

KNM: I told you that if you didn't do it yourself, I'd HELP you get undressed... 

SANOSUKE: Don't look! Don't look! Dame! 

KNM: Oooooooooh...very nice. Where did you find the undies with the little bunny rabbits on them? Oh well...off they go. 

SANOSUKE: (_Screams_) 

(_Later...much later--Grandma is now properly seated on her rocking chair, looking annoyed and smug at the same time. KnM exits the dojo, a satisfied smile on her face. She disappears. Kenshin, on cue for once, comes skipping on stage._) 

KNM: Does this worry you, Kaoru? He seems entirely too good at skipping. 

KENSHIN: How rude. 

KNM: I'm asking Kaoru, Rurouni Boy. It just makes me wonder, with all those doujinshi out there about you and Sano... 

Kenshin: (_Looks shocked_) 

SANOSUKE: Hey! 

KNM: Sit down and shut up, grandma, or I'm going to show the world that pair of underwear. 

SANOSUKE: (_Sits down and shuts up_) 

KNM: Now get on with it, Kenshin. I don't have much patience left. 

KENSHIN: (_muttering_)You didn't have any to begin with de gozaru yo. 

KNM: I heard that

KENSHIN: Er...Ah, grandma! 

SANOSUKE: Eh, Whaddya want? 

KNM: Well...oh, close enough. 

KENSHIN: I would like to borrow some tofu. 

SANOSUKE: Yeah, take whatever. 

(_Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf appears_) 

SAITOU: It is time, Battousai. 

KENSHIN: ORO? 

SANOSUKE: Oi! 

SAITOU: (_Looks at Sano_) Go take a nap. 

SANOSUKE: Hey! 

SAITOU: (_Reaches out and non chalantly punches Sanosuke. Sano goes down like a ton of bricks._) Aku. Soku. Zan. (_Goes into a gotatsu...and nails Kenshin. There is a lovely amount of blood and gore, and the Big Bad Wolf emerges triumphant._) I have now put him out of his misery. 

KENSHIN: (_Sits up, still covered with fake blood_) Wait, that's not how the story ends! 

KNM: Says who? 

KENSHIN: Says everyone! The Big Bad Wolf gets defeated by the kindly woodsman. 

SAITOU: Defeated by Yahiko. Ahou. 

KNM: So? Who's the director here? 

KENSHIN: ...You... 

KNM: Correct. So who calls the shots? 

KENSHIN: . . . 

KNM: I can't hear you

KENSHIN: You de gozaru yo! 

KNM: Correct. Now die already. 

KENSHIN: (_Dies in an appropriately melodramatic manner_) 

KNM: (_As narrator_) And that's the story of how the extremely cool Big Bad Wolf won a fight against an old, but now weak, opponent. This is how it should have happened. Ready for that soba I promised you, Saitou-san? 

Saitou: Hai...as long as I am able to leave in time to get home to Tokio. 

KNM: No problem, Saitou-san. Tokio-san is going to be eating with us. Come on. 

SAITOU: (_Walks off stage_) 

SANOSUKE: Oi! What about us? 

KNM: Oh...go clean yourselves up and get some rest. I'll call you when I'm ready to write part two. 

ALL: (_except KNM and SAITOU, that is_) WHAT? 

KNM: Didn't you read those contracts you signed? They're for a series. 

ALL: (_Collective jaws dropping_) 

KNM: You didn't? Oops. Too bad. See you bright and early tomorrow on the set of Sleeping Hitokiri, kids. 

SANOSUKE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! 


End file.
